Reflections ...
As we start another year, I, like many, have reflected on the year that passed. It was time for it to go, that I will say! I am not sure there has been a year before that my heart has spent so much time torn between joy and sorrow.
At the start of 2010 we had learned we were expecting another baby. Days later we lost my sweet, sweet Brandy girl to bone cancer. Still today I miss her so much and wonder what she would have thought of baby Will.
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| Brandy |
At the end of March 2010 we asked to have my ultrasound bumped up to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. We went to that appointment with excitement for the news but with heavy hearts as the request was so that my dad would know before he passed away. As we told him he would have grandson I could see his joy but also his sorrow as I know he feared, as I did, he would never meet my son on this earth. And our fears were realized on April 9th.
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| It's A Boy! |
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| Proud Grandpa |
As the time grew near for our son to be born my mom had the first of 4 strokes. Those last months of Will's time in my belly were riddled with fear and anxiety for her. Will came into our lives and for the first time in many months our family had something amazing to celebrate. On the day Will and I were released from the hospital mom was taken back to the hospital, having had another stroke. Two days later she had another.
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| Welcome William Wayne! |
I was so excited to have a healthy and beautiful little boy but daily I longed to share him with my parents. My dad was gone and my mom didn't even know who I was. It wasn't until mom left rehab at the end of October that we were truly able to spend time together with William and she was finally able to get to know him. I can't express how difficult those months were without her.
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| Finally able to kiss her grandson! |
There's not a day that passes that I don't long for my dad, to talk to him and hug him, to share my son with him, to hear him say "No kidding?" or "Well alright!" or say "Hmm!" with that grin on his face. I picture so often what his face would look like while watching William. I picture them together and smile at how much I know my dad would have enjoyed him. Some days, most days, it simply tears my heart out and other days I am able to find peace.
The ups and downs in 2010 were dramatic. At times exhilarating and at times devastating. Still I long for a time when our family can experience pure joy and it not be tangled with sorrow. I want many things for 2011 but a year with moments of pure joy tops my list.
Expectations...
What were my expectations about being a mom?
I always thought I would be able to juggle it all and do a pretty good job. My friends told me how hard it would be but I still thought I could do it all.
What is the reality?
This is how our day goes ....
5am Mama wakes up
6am Mama wakes William up to eat
7am Mama and William leave for Aunt Lisa's
7:30 am Mama leaves for work
4:15pm Mama picks Will up
4:45/5pm Home and time to eat!
5:30pm Time to play ... Mama's favorite time of the day!!
7pm Cereal, milk and bed
8pm Mama gets ready for the next day
10pm Bed!
Working full-time, keeping up around the house, watching over mom, and taking care of William is harder than I thought it would be. I could do more and do it better but it would be time away from my son. I spend so few of his waking hours with him and I have no desire to give up even a second of what I get. At first it bothered me that I couldn't do this as well as I expected but I am OK with it now and simply enjoy the time I have with William each day. I am blessed and thankful most of my friends understand, most have walked in these shoes. Sadly, not all of my friends understand why I am so out of touch. I spent some time beating myself up over it and decided I don't have time for that either. LOL One of my friends told me recently that I am where I belong right now, with my son. I am and I won't regret a single second! I am thankful for those that understand, are glad to get the occasional text or email and will be there when I have more time for other things. In 2011 I hope with each day to get better at juggling my family and my job and all the other little things life holds each day.
Resolutions ...
I don't usually make New Year's Resolutions but if I had to my resolution for 2011 would be to be the best Mama I can be to William.
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| William 4 months |
May 2011 be a blessed one for us all.
