Relay for Life

The last couple weeks have been filled with decisions but one of the most difficult for me has been whether to participate in the Relay for Life this year. I was so blessed to be with my dad each year he walked but especially blessed to have been with him last year for the Relay and his final survivors walk. That is a moment I will cherish always and am so thankful to have been a part of.




















My dad fought such a courageous fight and I have decided I want to honor him and his strength and courage this year by participating.

I am blogging to ask for your support. The relay is only a few weeks away and I apologize for the late notice. I knew it was coming but really couldn't decide if I was up to it. I can post it when we have a team page set up if you would like to make a donation online. If you would like to donate or purchase a luminary (luminaries are $10) the old fashioned way, my home address is: 75 Locust Dr. Springboro, OH 45066. Checks should be made payable to the American Cancer Society so you receive a receipt from them for tax purposes. I would like to have any donations by May 20th. I realize money is tight for so many and would be just as blessed to have your prayers for the walk.

We will also need some additional walkers! If you would like to participate please let me know and I can send you the details.

Thanks and God bless!

Keep praying!

The couple that looked at my house is coming back on Monday to see it again and measure some things. Yippee!! Keep up those prayers.

My House

We showed my house today. Please pray it works out!

He Will Carry Me

I sat down this morning and watched the DVD from our wedding, April 4th of last year. We planned to watch it on our anniversary but we haven't celebrated it yet. I knew that watching it now would be difficult for me so I chose to watch it alone. I watched it today with a different perspective than I would have earlier this month. I thought I would watch Steve and myself with tears of joy and remembrance. Today I watched my dad with thoughts of my son and my tears were mixed with many emotions. The DVD captured so much of my dad's personality, his humor, his mannerisms, his facial expressions. It will truly be a gift to my son to be able to see his grandpa and to see him in a way words can't do justice to. It will be placed in the safe later today for safe keeping, truly a treasure, more than I ever dreamed it would be a year ago when it was made.

I have given much thought to the last year, especially as I watched today. I had dreams on that day of our days to come and in those dreams I knew we would have challenges. When we did our premarital counseling we talked of many of those challenges we might face. I am sure we faced many of those things in the last year but I can barely recall any of them in light of the the struggles and devastation we've survived. I observed my dad on the video and how strong he was and how good he felt. I never dreamed a year later I would spend my anniversary at his bedside praying for a miracle and only days later would hug him for the last time on this earth. Or that my first child would be awaiting his arrival in heaven that early morning. The year was filled with many blessings as well and daily I try to find the balance within my heart of the blessings and heartache that have come hand in hand so many times over the last year. I am not sure at any time I have felt the sadness or joy in its fullest because to feel one completely is to discount the other. I am so blessed to have been able to share that beautiful day with my dad and to dance with him one last time. I am thankful to have so much of that day captured on DVD to be watched over the years when I need to hear his voice or see his face, his humor, his love, and to help my son know him. I too am thankful for the many, many hundreds of photos that were taken that day ...

My Wish - my last dance with my dad. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xz32I_GbpeU

It would be unfair to recall the last year and not tell you about Steve. And where do I begin ... gosh. A year ago we lit the unity candle to a song by Matthew West. The second verse goes like this ... You see these hands you hold, will always hold you up, when the strength you have, just ain't strong enough. And what tomorrow brings, only time will tell, but I will stand by you in sickness and health. Steve would tell you how strong I am. Mostly because I have gotten pretty good at hiding my grief and sadness and most of all, my weakness. What he doesn't realize is that over the last year there have been so many times my own strength wasn't enough and it was his hands that held me up. He has been my rock and many days all that has kept me going from one breath to the next. I am so thankful he has stood by me and loved me even on my most unlovable days. God blessed me with an amazing man.

As I have been typing my little boy is kicking me and reminding me of one of the greatest blessings in my life. Steve's best man talked in his toast of the chapters in our lives. God is good and as Steve promised to stand by me in sickness and in health, I know my Savior does. I praise Him even in the storms. He will carry me through the end of this chapter in my life and into the beginning of a new one.

Thank you for following my dad's final journey through my blog. I pray you keep following it as our son's journey begins.

Our little boy

We had our 20 week ultrasound yesterday. This was the first time they could check for signs of Cystic Fibrosis so mama was pretty nervous. After a very long wait for the doctor, daddy was getting pretty nervous too! We won't know definitively until his blood test at birth but they can look for some things that can give us an idea before he arrives. The doctor had good news for us though. The baby looks great right now! He is growing and developing as he should be. They will do another ultrasound at 32 weeks and do some additional checking for signs of CF at that point. We got to see our little boy's feet for the first time yesterday and they were terribly cute! He had his legs crossed at the ankles and his hands over his face so his feet were just about all we saw. We were starting to think he really didn't want to be seen yesterday! We got a few peeks at him though and all of his grandparents think he's adorable. And he is, of course! :)

This week has been a hard one but also a blessed one. We have seen many, many answered prayers this week in our family. God is good!

Baby Bump

Much awaited 'baby bump' pictures. Thanks Kathy for providing them. :)

My house

If you read the piece I wrote about dad for the funeral you know the attachment I must have to my old house and the time he and I spent there. It was a comfort to me to be able to be there in the last week and sit in my swing under my big oak tree. My house has been for sale since last July. We've had calls over the last year but nothing significant. I told Steve I wonder if God knew I needed that house when I lost my dad and He held on to it for that reason. We have someone that is interested now. As hard as it is for me to let my house go I need to for many reasons, but primarily for financial reasons with a baby on the way. I am ready now and if it's God's time I pray doors will open to find a new owner. Please pray with us for God's timing and clear direction in our decisions.

May you have a blessed and beautiful spring day!

For my dad

I wanted to share what I wrote about my dad for yesterday's services ...

Yesterday I tried to think of one word that described how I feel about my dad & what he meant to me. I thought of many but couldn’t think of just one that really summed it up. I hope as I put my thoughts on paper it will come to me. I have many childhood memories of my dad but the memories that are most vivid, & most cherished, are from my adult life and the time we spent together. Dad & I didn't often talk about serious things, not in the traditional way. We just spent time together & in our own unspoken ways we said all that needed to be said, I suppose that’s why that time was so special. It was about more than the task at hand. I’ve spent much of my first days without him thinking about the days I was blessed to have with him & how he touched my life. Mom & dad taught me to be an independent person but I always knew they were never more than a phone call away. Mom would ask dad for weeks to do something for her to no avail but all I had to do was call & by the time I said, "Dad, I need" he was already out the door. I suspect that he knew by the time I called him I had already tried it myself & was really in a jam! And I'm enough like mom that he knew when I got something in mind, I wanted it done yesterday. When I bought my first house & the ten years that followed there were a lot of those phone calls. I walked through my house last week & in every room I saw his handprint. Together we remodeled & redecorated every room in that house, from ceiling to floor. He taught me to be a plumber & an electrician - and most importantly, I learned how important clear signals are when communicating about whether the power is on or off! I was the one, by the way, that got the jolt that day! He taught me to be a painter, appliance repairman, lawnmower mechanic, & one late night he even taught me how to stop a truck with its accelerator stuck wide open. There were very few things together we didn't try. And the leaves from my big oak tree ... there were millions of them & many a fall day I called for help when it was more than one person could tackle. I sat in my swing hanging from that big oak tree last week & thought of the ice cream & hot dogs from the Root Beer Stande we've eaten over the years in that very swing after a long day in the yard. His help never cost me more than a cup of coffee or chili dog & a hug. And truly the hug was all he really wanted. Last week I asked dad if he knew what we'd have been doing that week. He grinned & said, "Spring cleaning". Every spring we spent most of my spring break in the yard together cleaning & landscaping. I bet we laid close to 1000 bags of mulch over the last ten years & picked up at least that many sticks each & every spring. He used to laugh at me & how every single stick had to be picked up. I believe I heard more than once that I was just like my mother! The first year after his cancer he wasn’t able to help me physically but I told mom I couldn’t do it without him. I didn't really need his help, I just wanted his company & that time we've always had together. It's time for spring cleaning & I told him I wasn't sure I'd be able to do it this year. He said, "me either". Mom & dad joked over the years about the time before they met as 'before Larry'. You see for me, there is no before Larry. He has been with me since my first breath. I don't know how to live my life without my dad & I have no idea how I will get through my spring yard cleaning this year without his company but I suspect like each day, I'll do it one stick at a time. My dad taught me so much over the years but I think I learned the most from him in the last two years & especially in his last days with us. My dad displayed strength, determination, & courage that you had to see to believe and a love and dedication to family beyond words. I have never witnessed a stronger man or a stronger fight & one done with such grace. As I close this I found my one word for dad. The dictionary defines a hero as a man of distinguished courage or ability, admired for his brave deeds and noble qualities. That’s my dad, my hero. A friend told me she too lost her dad before her son was born but as he's grown she's seen so much of her dad in him & that as I watch our little boy I too will begin to see my dad. I hope & pray that I do, he couldn't be like a finer man.

Arrangements and directions

Viewing on Sunday 4-7pm
Viewing on Monday 12-1pm
Funeral Monday 1pm

All to take place at Berean Baptist Temple, 2445 Trebein Rd. Fairborn.

Directions: 675 (either direction) to Dayton-Yellow Springs Rd,, I think it's exit 20but not certain. Turn Right onto Dayton-Yellow Springs Rd. Turn Right onto Trebein Rd. (there's a Speedway station at the intersection and a light). The church will be a little ways up on the right, there is a sign.

Obituary - http://www.beltonstroup.com/taylor.htm

Circle of Life

Just a few days ago a dear friend shared with me something that happened after her mom passed away. They rode in the elevator with a newborn baby after her mom's passing and her dad commented that was the circle of life. Last night while we were sitting with my dad some friends of ours called to tell us they were going to have to deliever their little girl at 32 weeks, a mere 3 pounds. We just a call that Lily came out breathing on her own and crying and she and mom are both doing OK. I thought of my friend and said to Steve, that's the circle of life. Welcome Lily and praise God for her safe arrival into this world.

Home with his Savior

My dad took his last breath shortly after 2am this morning. I've never witnessed a stronger or more courageous fight. I am blessed to have had such an amazing and brave man as my father. This morning he is home with his Savior, whole and healthy. As I held onto him in his last moments I closed my eyes and pictured our precious Emily, holding our little angel in her arms, awaiting grandpa's arrival. I know he has them both in his arms right now and is filled with joy to be in His Savior's presence and to be reunited with Em and to meet our little one. My heart is breaking and my world will never be the same but I know he will hold me in his arms again someday. I love you dad and I miss you so very much ...

Not a good day ...

Today was the toughest day by far and it was really, really tough. Please pray that God would be merciful. What is happening to my dad right now is not merciful. Please pray for the Lord's time to take him Home and that dad could have peace, he is ready. He told me in one of his few lucid moments today, "this is so hard". All I could say was, "I know dad and I'm sorry". I don't think I will ever be ready to let him go but it's tearing my heart out to watch him suffer. I want him to be whole again and healthy and it's not God's plan for that to happen on this earth but it will happen in His kingdom. I wish it weren't, we all do, but we must accept that it is and let him go into his Father's waiting arms. Please continue to pray.

Not a bad day

I am at dad's bed side waiting on the night shift to arrive and he is resting comfortably. He had a episode with his heart this morning but they were able to get it settled down. He was more alert today and very 'with it'. The kidney deterioration continues to progress, there was significant change over night. They stopped the lasicks at this point so they aren't putting any additional strain on his kidneys. Although his output has increased significantly today his kidneys are not filtering waste from his body. He is still battling a lot of gas and pressure in his belly. They are going to try some things tomorrow to try to relieve that gas and pressure in his bowels and stomach in hopes of bringing him some relief. They may do a catscan as well but that's still up in the air. This time with him is a blessing, especially when yesterday we didn't expect to have today. God isn't ready and neither is dad. This time is a difficult one but we have had some unforgettable time together with him as a family and God has blessed us all with dad's ability to be a part of it and enjoy it.

Now, I have to share a rather amusing story. Last night before I finally headed home I made a stop in the bathroom. After I washed my hands I went to the trash can. I pressed the button on the wall and stared at the lid, waiting on it to open. I became rather aggravated with the lid for not going up when I had pressed that button. Steve asked me if I hit it again and honestly I don't even recall! At some point in my increasing frustration I realized (or should I say remembered) that button opens the door!! The door did open and I saw it open and have used that button all week to open the door but last night I was just certain it was supposed to open that darn trash can lid. Can you say exhausted? Jamie was waiting on me outside the bathroom and when I shared the story with him (something I will no doubt regret someday) he told me he thought it was time I went home. Steve was a little more than alarmed I got behind the wheel at that point! LOL

At one point last night I was asleep with my head on my hand on the rail of his bed. I woke up and put my head up and my big brother (Jamie) says, "You look like shit!". And then cracked up laughing. And of course shared with my other big brother today just how bad I looked last night. Brothers!

I am heading home tonight long before I try to open trash can lids with door buttons or look quite so bad. :)

One of the night shift has arrived so I am going to give her a report!

Thank you for continued prayers.

Still Fighting

A year ago today (it's still Sunday for me) my family gathered all together for my wedding. I never dreamed that day that one year later we would all be together again, around my dad's hospital bed. I have to say a week ago I didn't dream it either. I wished many times today to dance one last time with my dad, as I did a year ago. It has all happened so fast, too fast. Today started out to be a good day with some hope but quickly things changed. Dad's organs have begun to shut down and he is sleeping more and more. They had us call all the family in today in fear of it being his last lucid moments. He still tonight is coherent when he is awake and we have been able to have meaningful moments with him. He is a fighter, like none I have ever seen. He is my hero. He has shown such patience and courage over the last 2 1/2 years but especially in the last few days. I tried to stay tonight but it's harder than I expected for a pregnant woman to sleep in a hospital room! So I am home. I got a hug from my dad and gave him a kiss on the cheek and left him resting with mom and Jamie. Your thoughts, prayers, love, support and concern mean the world to us. Thank you ...

Happy Easter.

Tough News

It’s been a tough day already. We met with dad’s doctor this morning. We got more clear information on what is happening with his heart. He does not believe it’s the fluid but is the tumor itself causing problems. It’s causing so many problems and just zapping his body of everything. John asked him some very straightforward questions and thankfully Dr. Chambers doesn’t tip-toe around things. He does not think we will be able to turn it around this time and dad will probably not make it out of the hospital, if he does it would be with Hospice. He did not give us any sort of timeline. Then with tears in his eyes he looked at me and told me dad won’t be here to meet his grandson. I’ve known that for some time now but to hear him say it just broke my heart into a million pieces. I’m actually on my laptop in the parking lot, trying to get this posted and get myself pulled together – not at all an easy task right now. The doctor hugged John and I both as he left. What a wonderful support he has been to us in this journey. What we need now is much prayer for many things as it appears this long journey comes to an end. Thank you for love, support, and continued prayers.

And the baby is a ...

I told my brother I feel like I wake up each day and climb into a roller coaster. He said it thinks its more like a blender. LOL Today someone turned the blender on high or added an extra loop to my roller coaster. Up and down and up and down we go!

Wow - where to begin. I guess the not-so-good is as good a place as any ... then to the good.

Dad will remain in ICU. His lung is now 100% full and his chest cavity is filling with fluid. The tumor is also growing. He is having a very hard time breathing and back on oxygen. The fluid is putting a strain on his heart. This evening his heart rate got up over 200 and was very erratic. They were able to finally get it down but are still having a hard time getting it regular. Mom is spending the night with him tonight and his doctor is there on duty all night. They put in a catheter and that with the lasicks is taking off more fluid than they were getting with him just going to the bathroom. Right now getting the fluid off is priority to give his lung and heart some relief.

Now on to some good news! I called my OB office yesterday and talked with them about what's happening with my dad and asked if we could move my ultrasound up so I wold be able to tell him what the baby was. They told us we would have to pay out of pocket but were awesome and scheduled it right away. God answered several prayers for us today. We arrived and they came out to tell us how sorry they were about what dad is going through and that the ultrasound would be free of charge. Our second answer was a very clear picture of our baby boy! I told them when we left there was no price I could put on being able to share that news with my dad today.

Now, being that it is April Fool's Day, I couldn't pass up a perfect chance to get the grandma's and grandpa's. We put dad's gift in a pink bag with pink paper. Mom, so sure of herself, saw it and yelled, "I knew it was a girl" and let out a giant "woo hoo". Then she stopped and asked if it was an April Fool's. Dad opened it up and a blue Mickey blanket fell out. Mom was happy it's a boy but she was not amused at my beautifully executed prank! LOL We bought a pink card that said "GIRL" for Steve's parents. They opened it and both began to whoop and hollar. Then opened the card to read, 'April Fool's" and find a picture of our little boy. The looks on their faces was hysterical! Dad Handy asked me if I was proud of myself, to which I gave a hearty YES! He loves to play jokes so today was my turn to get him good. And boy did we!

And finally - GO UD FLYERS!!

Rest well tonight, blessings to you all.