I sat down this morning and watched the DVD from our wedding, April 4th of last year. We planned to watch it on our anniversary but we haven't celebrated it yet. I knew that watching it now would be difficult for me so I chose to watch it alone. I watched it today with a different perspective than I would have earlier this month. I thought I would watch Steve and myself with tears of joy and remembrance. Today I watched my dad with thoughts of my son and my tears were mixed with many emotions. The DVD captured so much of my dad's personality, his humor, his mannerisms, his facial expressions. It will truly be a gift to my son to be able to see his grandpa and to see him in a way words can't do justice to. It will be placed in the safe later today for safe keeping, truly a treasure, more than I ever dreamed it would be a year ago when it was made.
I have given much thought to the last year, especially as I watched today. I had dreams on that day of our days to come and in those dreams I knew we would have challenges. When we did our premarital counseling we talked of many of those challenges we might face. I am sure we faced many of those things in the last year but I can barely recall any of them in light of the the struggles and devastation we've survived. I observed my dad on the video and how strong he was and how good he felt. I never dreamed a year later I would spend my anniversary at his bedside praying for a miracle and only days later would hug him for the last time on this earth. Or that my first child would be awaiting his arrival in heaven that early morning. The year was filled with many blessings as well and daily I try to find the balance within my heart of the blessings and heartache that have come hand in hand so many times over the last year. I am not sure at any time I have felt the sadness or joy in its fullest because to feel one completely is to discount the other. I am so blessed to have been able to share that beautiful day with my dad and to dance with him one last time. I am thankful to have so much of that day captured on DVD to be watched over the years when I need to hear his voice or see his face, his humor, his love, and to help my son know him. I too am thankful for the many, many hundreds of photos that were taken that day ...
My Wish - my last dance with my dad. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xz32I_GbpeU
It would be unfair to recall the last year and not tell you about Steve. And where do I begin ... gosh. A year ago we lit the unity candle to a song by Matthew West. The second verse goes like this ...
You see these hands you hold, will always hold you up, when the strength you have, just ain't strong enough. And what tomorrow brings, only time will tell, but I will stand by you in sickness and health. Steve would tell you how strong I am. Mostly because I have gotten pretty good at hiding my grief and sadness and most of all, my weakness. What he doesn't realize is that over the last year there have been so many times my own strength wasn't enough and it was his hands that held me up. He has been my rock and many days all that has kept me going from one breath to the next. I am so thankful he has stood by me and loved me even on my most unlovable days. God blessed me with an amazing man.
As I have been typing my little boy is kicking me and reminding me of one of the greatest blessings in my life. Steve's best man talked in his toast of the chapters in our lives. God is good and as Steve promised to stand by me in sickness and in health, I know my Savior does. I praise Him even in the storms. He will carry me through the end of this chapter in my life and into the beginning of a new one.
Thank you for following my dad's final journey through my blog. I pray you keep following it as our son's journey begins.
