Long time, no blog!

Wow, it's been awhile since I've blogged! Dad has been gone just over a month. What has the last month been like you may wonder and many have asked me. To be honest, I live mostly under an illusion that he's away on a really long fishing trip without cell service. Mornings, however, are my time each day when the illusion disappears.

Before dad's last hospital stay we started emailing each other. He was on high doses of steroids and didn't sleep much so I often woke up to an email from him. I always replied and sometimes he was still online and we exchanged more than one while I was getting ready for work. When he went into the hospital we started talking on my way to work. Once I got through the construction I'd call him and we chatted until I was at work. I got used to those phone calls. When he went home that one overnight I didn't call on my way to work since he was home and resting. I told him later how lonely my drive was without him. My drive each day is lonely and I can't find the words to say how I miss hearing "Love you" from him at the start of my day.

There are moments when losing dad is so very real. Mostly it's not though, it's sort of like an out of life experience (similar to an out of body experience I suppose). I can't wrap my head around it most times, I'm watching it happen but it can't be happening to me, it can't be my life. It seeps in slowly and in small chunks. What a blessing that is. The moments when it hits me full force are unbearable. Sometimes I want to scream and lay down and throw a good old fashioned temper tantrum, but it takes so much strength to hold it together that I have nothing left in me to fall apart. Does that make sense?

We picked out dad's marker. Mom decided on a beautiful bench. I will be sure to post a photo when it's completed.

Day to day our lives go on and we are living and we'll be OK. Mom asked me in dad's last days how she was going to live without him. I told her she'd get up every day and breathe. And so we do.

The relay is next weekend. I continue to give it much thought. Today I tried to think of how many years I've walked in Relay for Life. My best guess is 7-8 years. And I realized that I haven't walked even one without my dad. He embraced Relay for Life long before it was his own personal fight. There is a part of me that needs to Relay this time, to embrace this in a whole new way. After giving it much thought I found it's my way to stand up and fight, to get back on my feet, to live through this. I suppose each of my family will find their own way to find peace in what we've gone through. The Relay is mine. I am tired of feeling so helpless.

I've received many messages of support, prayer, and encouragement. Thank you to my friends, co-workers, and Arizona family for knowing how important this relay is to me and for supporting me. It means more to me than you know.

If you'd like to read more about the relay, my page is: http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY10OH?px=3490023&pg=personal&fr_id=23648 .

Next weekend is also our annual Dragon's game for the children in treatment for cancer at Children's Medical Center in Dayton. The night is sponsored by Emily's Beads of Courage and gives the children and their families a night out. And it gives our family a way to honor Emily and to honor the courage these children show daily. It will be difficult without our ticket man this year but it is always a joy to watch the children and their families enjoying the event. What a wonderful weekend to Relay. I'm not sure I could think of a better time to be honest. Their faces, their courage, will be fresh in my mind and my prayers as I walk and fight for a cure for this horrible disease that has touched their precious young lives.

My sweet little boy has been kicking all evening and reminding me how much I have to be thankful for and how much I have to look forward to. I look forward to seeing the lower half of my body again for sure! LOL I will have to update my belly picture soon, it's grown! Our next ultrasound is June 18th. I am looking forward to getting another peek at our little boy. And cousin Casey and Grammy and Pa Handy will be getting a peek too!

God is good and daily He sustains us and provides for us.

We continue to appreciate your prayers and support.
Blessings to you all!